MATILDA’S MISERY

Many years have passed – eleven years to be precise – and I still recall the exact words she said to me. “Matilda, you are my worst mistake in life. I hate you!” Each time I face rejection, the words play over and over again in my head, “Matilda, you are my worst mistake in life. I hate you!” Each time I fail in my attempt at something worthwhile, I hear, “Matilda, you are my worst mistake in life. I hate you!” The order of the words never changes. They are stamped in my head, “Matilda, you are my worst mistake in life. I hate you!” This is the misery I live with. We work, play, eat, sleep, walk and do everything together. Nothing can take the place of those words in my head and in my heart. “Matilda, you are my worst mistake in life. I hate you!”

I am a 24 year old graduate. I just completed my project defense. How I got to this stage in life, I know not. I guess I just passed through school. Needless to say, my social life was zero. Wait, let me take you back eleven years ago. I left home at the tender age of 13 – let’s assume the place where I lived is actually a ‘home’ in the true sense of the word. “Matilda, you are my worst mistake in life. I hate you!” Those were the words that sent me running out of the brothel where I lived with a prostitute mother. I never called her mother anyways. I called her – and still call her Agnes. Agnes gave birth to me at the age of 13 which is coincidentally the same age I left home. I never knew my father. All I know about my paternity is what a distant relative once said to me out of spite. “Agnes has no shame. She cannot point fingers at the exact man that fathered you. She was an ashawo from her mother’s womb. If you like, copy your mother, na the two of you sabi. Curios to know how I left home? It’s a simple and short story. Agnes planned with one of her customers to rape me. At that age, I knew already that she has no love for me but she never said it until that day. She only showed it in her actions. The rape incident hurt so much and even in my pain, I summoned enough courage to ask her why she allowed it. All I got for a reply was, “Matilda, you are my worst mistake in life. I hate you!” Then she stomped out of the room. I was scared stiff of having the rape incident repeat itself. So I left and never looked back. I took nothing with me, except for fifteen thousand naira which I knew was her entire savings. I never regretted it, and I still do not regret it.

I lived on the streets, struggling to earn stipends and saving as much as I could.  I enrolled into a public secondary school and lived with different men who necessarily doubled as bed mates. I guess my brilliance paid off, because I had no serious academic issues.

Why bother you with my story? Agnes wants me back. She took everything away from me and now she wants me back. I can never forgive her but still, she wants me back. “Matilda, you are my worst mistake in life. I hate you!” Agnes was responsible for those words and yet, she wants me back. She has gone to media houses looking for me but I will make sure she never finds me. I will climb the highest mountains, jump into the deepest valleys, run to the North Pole and fly to the highest heavens if I have to. Why? Because Agnes is my worst misery in life and I hate her!

BE CAREFUL THE CHOICES YOU MAKE

"Good afternoon ma.  Just to let you know that I got a job!"

"Oh, Congratulations! That's wonderful news.  What type of job is it?"

"It is the position of a Personal Assistant to the Managing Director ma".

 "Oh well, that's not bad, but that is not you?  I see you a someone working in marketing, making things happen. You know, a position that would project you as the high flyer that you are."

"At least, it would be a starting point." she said.

 

Now, this was someone I had hoped to groom and nurture as a high flyer and goal getter.  She is smart, intelligent and pleasant looking to boot.  That is a winning combination any day.  But here she is choosing to be a PA! Very, very sad indeed.

 

You may ask me what is wrong with being a PA? Well, nothing really, if you are cut out for such a thing.  In my opinion, some jobs stereotype you and somehow blinkers your vision.  Yes you may be rubbing shoulders with the high and mighty through your boss, but do they really SEE you and speak TO you? More times than not, they look through you and speak at you.  This type of job depreciates you and very soon you may begin to develop low self esteem, when you do not see yourself becoming more that what you are.  It also does something to your psyche that makes you start to limit yourself.  I believe psychologists call it 'self sabotage or settling into a rut.

 

I know people will generally advise that you take up any job that first come your way.  That is true for those who are looking for just anything because they are yet to discover their purpose. Many people, especially young graduates just starting life are oblivious of who they are, what they are made of and what they are capable of.

 

Before you accept any job, check it out with your vision for yourself.  Is it in line with what you envisage yourself doing in ten years time?  Will it move you closer toward your goal?  Is it driving you towards your purpose?  Vision is a clear picture of conditions that do not currently exist. A strong mental image of your future. Something beyond your current circumstances. It is a mental picture of your destiny.  So you must have a mental picture of where you are going.  Vision directs you in your purpose. Purpose is what you have been placed here to do. And purpose reveals your potential and your hidden abilities.  Potential does not come out on its own. It needs a demand to be placed on it.  The demand needs the right environment

 

The right environment is getting the right job that would push you out of your comfort zone and demand much more from you.  You will need to think, to solve problems, create and implement.  A demand will be placed on you initiative, your sense of judgement, your ability to identify problems and solve them, your biological clock will be tasked and the need to exercise personal responsibility.  Integrity will be put to the test, values you did not know you had inside of you will come to the fore and even you will marvel at the quality of work that you are churning out.

 

Then when people speak, they will speak TO you and SEE you PROPERLY.  I know that people who have missed it and are in a limiting job know what I am talking about.  It is never too late to recapture your vision.  It believe it is Brian Tracy that said "No matter how far you have gone on a wrong road, turn back".  Chase after your vision because your vision will drive you to your purpose. Vision attracts opportunities.  The clearer your vision, the faster your acceleration towards your goal.  Vision is contagious - it excites others.  Sooner or later someone out there will come in contact with your vision and buy into it.  Remember that vision promotes persistence.  Be patient.

As the title suggests, this is 20^th Century Fox’s reboot to the Planet of the Apes series, intended to act as an origin story for a new series of films.

If you haven’t seen the original series of five films starting with 1968’s Planet of the Apes, you don’t have to in order to fully understand and enjoy this film. But that is beside the point. This is the point. See this movie. Now.

PLOT SUMMARY (via IMDb)

“At the story's heart is Caesar (Andy Serkis), a chimpanzee who gains human-like intelligence and emotions from an experimental drug. Raised like a child by the drug's creator, Will Rodman (James Franco), Caesar ultimately finds himself taken from the humans he loves and imprisoned in an ape sanctuary in San Bruno. Seeking justice for his fellow inmates, Caesar gives the fellow apes the same drug that he inherited. He then assembles a simian army and escapes the sanctuary - putting man and ape on a collision course that could change the planet forever.”

Just from reading the above, there are enough elements to make the larger themes obvious. Corruption, classism, race issues, man’s arrogance as regards his place in the universe, the desecration of the natural order and man’s tendency to play god, capitalism and its propensity to place corporate greed over the well being of the individual…

All great themes and well explored in this brilliant film, but -

There is one catalyst in this story that acts as a trigger for Caesar’s future actions and the start of the war that will ultimately subjugate the human race.

Remember the ape sanctuary Caesar is imprisoned in? In its employ is sadistic chief guard Dodge Landon (played brilliantly by Tom Felton). Till this point Caesar has faced discrimination and abuse at the hands of humans, but they have been acting out of fear and ignorance.

This fellow is different. For the first time Caesar meets someone who seems to derive pleasure from the pain of others – and he starts to think that this is the stuff ALL humans are made of…

Dodge’s job is to make sure the apes follow their daily routines. Keep them fed, watered and safe - that’s it. But he turns the facility into his own small concentration camp and he is Head Warder.

He is a bully, a small person who seeks to make himself feel better about his own insignificance by stomping on all those he deems smaller than he is.

And we all know that person. The security guard who is super aggressive when you show up in anything less than a jeep. The customer service official who somehow makes ‘Sir’ or ‘Madam’ sound like an insult. The store clerk who eyes you when you walk into the store. The lecturer who tells a student “You will never graduate as long as I am in this school.”

What do they all have in common? They seem power drunk from the little they have tasted, but it’s far more basic.

They hate their jobs.

Then why don’t they just quit? Because at the core, all bullies are bullied - by themselves. These are individuals who think that ‘this is the way the chips have fallen’ for them and so that’s it.

They feel they lack control over their lives and thus exert undue amount of control over everything else.

People who act this way are cowards. Unwilling to change what is wrong in their lives. They are small minded and desperately weak.

And they know this -

And think this is a fact that everyone else already knows. So they are quick to overreact at anyone who may come close to revealing this embarrassing truth about them.

The scary part? Everyone has the propensity to be them.

How do we avoid this fate? Step One, if you hate your job so much that it is destroying your soul? Quit. But how will I pay my bills? Right now maybe you could do with less bills, and more purpose in your life.

If you hate your life so much? Get a new one. Don’t know how to? Get help.

Don’t be anywhere where you feel so trapped that the only way to feel better is to lash out at everyone else. You could be starting the war that ends civilization as we know it…

Don’t hate on anyone or anything because they are different. Instead, make a difference.

De-Stress Your Life!!! – Part II

 

  Last Tuesday, we started off on this interesting subject of Stress. I have received feedback how the knowledge of Stress Myths has been quite helpful to de-mystify how we perceive Stress and its attendant hold on us. This is very good to know. I welcome you to a new day to disempower Stress inducing tendencies in your Life.

Today, we will promptly define 3 Major Dynamics in De-Stressing. STRESS TRIGGERS, STRESS FLAGS and STRESS EXITS.

 Like we shared last week, what causes Stress to one individual may not cause stress in another individual hence Stress is relative. Nonetheless, Stress is CAUSED by some Factor(s) in your lifestyle and pattern of doing things; whether at home, work or any other place.

A Stress Trigger is defined as the CAUSE of Stress in your Mind and Body. WHAT CAUSES STRESS FOR YOU? WHAT MAKES YOU STRESSED UP?

 

A Person once placed a late call across to me and was really concerned she was going to lose her job the following day. When I asked a few questions, she opened up to the fact that she had been under pressure to meet her Boss’s difficult demands but on this particular day, she had given in to pressure and exploded in anger. After drilling down a bit, we identified the following Triggers that caused her to be Stressed up:

1. Failed Expectations: She had expectations of herself towards her Boss which, in her estimation, fell short of her Boss’s expectations. This placed her under immense pressure that led to Stress. 
2.  Fear of Losing her Job: She had conditioned her mind that whatever it was going to take, she would meet the expectations of her Boss because it was unthinkable for her to lose her Job. ‘Coach, there are no jobs anywhere. I must make this one work’ was what she opined.
3. Fear of Negotiating Alternatives to the Expectations: She could not fathom a possibility of negotiating the standards her Boss expected. Upon sharing her experience, she suddenly realised she could have demanded some trainings, some more time to learn, some exposure, some mentoring/coaching which on the overall would help stem the Stress metre. Her fear of the ‘towering position’ of ‘the Boss’ killed the chance to negotiate.

Now, you will see that Stress can be Triggered by several factors like my Friend’s experience shows. Other Triggers that I have identified include: Anxiety/Worry, Fear, Hunger, Being Broke, Uncertainty of Events/Plans, Natural Disasters, Bad Past Experiences (Apprehension that they may re-occur), and a host of others.

As we sign out today, please be careful to answer this question: WHAT ARE 5 CONDITIONS IN YOUR LIFE THAT MAKE YOU STRESSED UP? Kindly identify these 5 and next week, we will explore what STRESS FLAGS these TRIGGERS come with.

Are you as excited as I am? See you next Tuesday. Cheers.

By Sam Obafemi