MATILDA’S MISERY

Many years have passed – eleven years to be precise – and I still recall the exact words she said to me. “Matilda, you are my worst mistake in life. I hate you!” Each time I face rejection, the words play over and over again in my head, “Matilda, you are my worst mistake in life. I hate you!” Each time I fail in my attempt at something worthwhile, I hear, “Matilda, you are my worst mistake in life. I hate you!” The order of the words never changes. They are stamped in my head, “Matilda, you are my worst mistake in life. I hate you!” This is the misery I live with. We work, play, eat, sleep, walk and do everything together. Nothing can take the place of those words in my head and in my heart. “Matilda, you are my worst mistake in life. I hate you!”

I am a 24 year old graduate. I just completed my project defense. How I got to this stage in life, I know not. I guess I just passed through school. Needless to say, my social life was zero. Wait, let me take you back eleven years ago. I left home at the tender age of 13 – let’s assume the place where I lived is actually a ‘home’ in the true sense of the word. “Matilda, you are my worst mistake in life. I hate you!” Those were the words that sent me running out of the brothel where I lived with a prostitute mother. I never called her mother anyways. I called her – and still call her Agnes. Agnes gave birth to me at the age of 13 which is coincidentally the same age I left home. I never knew my father. All I know about my paternity is what a distant relative once said to me out of spite. “Agnes has no shame. She cannot point fingers at the exact man that fathered you. She was an ashawo from her mother’s womb. If you like, copy your mother, na the two of you sabi. Curios to know how I left home? It’s a simple and short story. Agnes planned with one of her customers to rape me. At that age, I knew already that she has no love for me but she never said it until that day. She only showed it in her actions. The rape incident hurt so much and even in my pain, I summoned enough courage to ask her why she allowed it. All I got for a reply was, “Matilda, you are my worst mistake in life. I hate you!” Then she stomped out of the room. I was scared stiff of having the rape incident repeat itself. So I left and never looked back. I took nothing with me, except for fifteen thousand naira which I knew was her entire savings. I never regretted it, and I still do not regret it.

I lived on the streets, struggling to earn stipends and saving as much as I could.  I enrolled into a public secondary school and lived with different men who necessarily doubled as bed mates. I guess my brilliance paid off, because I had no serious academic issues.

Why bother you with my story? Agnes wants me back. She took everything away from me and now she wants me back. I can never forgive her but still, she wants me back. “Matilda, you are my worst mistake in life. I hate you!” Agnes was responsible for those words and yet, she wants me back. She has gone to media houses looking for me but I will make sure she never finds me. I will climb the highest mountains, jump into the deepest valleys, run to the North Pole and fly to the highest heavens if I have to. Why? Because Agnes is my worst misery in life and I hate her!